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Do you feel like your children aren’t listening? Are you so tired of repeating yourself that you’re sickened by the sound of your own voice? Are you shocked and appalled at your lack of consistency with respect to discipline and decision-making? Are you tired of arguing with your spouse or partner, justifying whatever parenting call you made and why you made it?
If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, and your New Year’s resolution is to up your parenting game in 2015, then Parent-by-Podcast is the solution for you. Take advantage of our 30-Day free trial offer and harness the power of technology to eliminate guesswork, indecision, and inconsistency from your parenting today.
Parent-by-Podcast has everything you need to get you started. In a matter of days you will be on your way to building your greatest hits library, including sound bites, tidbits, speeches, heart-to-hearts and full-on harangues.
With Parent-by-Podcast you can say it once, say it well... and you will never have to say it again.
Your journey to being a new and improved parent will begin with our Decision Tree feature, which has been pre-programmed with a variety of helpful categories to give your kids The Final Word on outerwear, screen-time, homework, snack-time and play-time. You can populate instant answers to your children’s most frequently asked questions based on criteria such as your child’s age, gender, and your parenting style.
Our default styles have recently been expanded and now include: strict; moderate to strict; moderate; well-intentioned but loose and disorganized; and should probably never have had kids. (The latter, when selected, defaults to moderate.)
Parent-by-Podcast is now fully-integrated with GPS and the Paranoia Pack which includes the most popular child-tracker apps such as SecuraFone and mobile bar code scanning solutions.
SecuraFone may tell you where and when your child was driving over the speed limit, or when they’ve strayed beyond the predetermined geographic area, but only Parent-by-Podcast will allow you to interrupt their regularly-scheduled programming with the harangue or heart-to-heart of your choice.
Our patented Parent Hacker, available for a small additional fee, will prevent your child from sending a text until they have cleared all of your pending pod casts. And, no, deleting you is not an option.
Likewise, the Parent Purchase Adviser will respond to unauthorized purchases on your child’s Smartphone with the narrative of your choice before any more debits will be processed.
Do you regret all the money you spent on Jordache jeans and Ralph Lauren button downs? With Parent-by-Podcast you can share your remorseful ramblings with your child while she’s munching on fries at the mall with her friends. Imagine: your essential wisdom, dispensed at lightning speed, as a direct response to the scanning utility on your child’s phone.
The Parent-by-Podcast Total Parenting System was built around our signature app, the Parent Pontificator, which remains the cornerstone of our product. We still encourage parents to use the Pontificator to periodically store and share their best TED-type talks, but new for 2015 is the Award Talk series, combined with an A-list talent pool.
Do you lose your train of thought while lecturing your kids and sound like a monkey brain? Is your voice too timid or shrill? No matter. For a small additional fee, you can opt to have one of our professionally-written scripts read by the celebrity of your choice. Why waste your breath explaining why texting at 2:00 am is a bad idea when Scarlett Johansson can do it for you. Yes, with Parent-by-Podcast, it’s that easy!
The Parent Pontificator can also be connected to your surround sound system so that your disembodied voice can be piped throughout your home for increased dramatic effect. Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, you can will your children to obey your every whim while you comb the beach in Costa Rica looking for sea shells.
That’s right: With Parent-by-Podcast you can be there... without actually being there. This isn’t a dream, folks, this is reality!
Also new to the 2015 version of Parent-by-Podcast is the Inherited Wisdom Portal where you can bank your archive of clever colloquialisms and other non-essential but enduring knowledge inherited from your parents.
Maybe you no longer give a damn if your kids wear white after Labor Day or sweat pants in public, but you see the greater good in mapping their subconscious minds with random admonishments, haunting them for years to come, just as your mother haunts you still. Parent-by-Podcast recognizes the unlimited potential of inherited wisdom and thanks to the power of technology you, too, can pay it forward to future generations.
Don’t spend another year plagued by inconsistency, being your own weakest link. Subscribe to Parent-by-Podcast today and make this your best year ever!
Michelle Hauser is a former professional fundraiser turned humorist and freelance writer. She lives in Eastern Ontario (Canada) with her husband Mark and their son Joseph. Please click here to sign up for her monthly Laughing Stock Newsletter.