“I can’t even stand to be in my own kitchen!” says Michelle Hauser, a homeowner from Napanee who has a total of 5 gaping holes in her Victorian kitchen. “There’s an actual breeze blowing my skirt around. I just come in here to boil water and then I run and hide in the living room all day with my space heater.”
The embattled homeowner is currently on the wait list for 4 Draught Dogs, 3 of which the OPP says will be dispatched to her home later today. Jacquie Perrywinkle, Communications Officer for the Napanee area detachment says, “Mrs. Hauser might do well to knit the 4th one herself because we’re completely overwhelmed by demand.”
The DDO is finally back up and running after having come under fire last winter from the Ontario Professional Police Association (OPPA). Advocating on behalf of K-9 members, the OPPA disputed what they felt was "backroom dealing" on behalf of the DDO to bring a non-union volunteer work force into active duty.
"You can imagine that didn't sit well with some of our boys," says Tim Dobber, Director of Public Affairs for the OPPA. "They got their hackles way up. But once they saw there was no threat, that these guys were, well, stuffed, things calmed down."
Dobber admits, however, to ongoing tension between the two sides and confirms the report of a recent incident at a police storage facility where some of the Draught Dogs were mistakenly used as chew-toys for the large-breed attack dogs. "Those fellas are fine, now" he insists, "some crafters from the Catholic Women's League came and patched them up and they're basically as good as new."
Anyone in need of an emergency draft dog is encouraged to contact their local OPP who oversees the deployment of service animals... as well as all reasonably well-crafted facsimiles thereof.
Michelle Hauser is a former professional fundraiser turned humorist and freelance writer. She lives in Eastern Ontario (Canada) with her husband Mark and their son Joseph. Please click here to sign up for her monthly Laughing Stock Newsletter.