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[The laughing stock news agency] The Tooth Fairy, perhaps one of the most beloved of childhood heroines, died on Friday morning at her luxury apartment in Midtown Manhattan. Her death, which is currently under investigation, was confirmed by the police.
The Tooth Fairy’s lifeless body was discovered by Thumbelina who was scheduled to meet with her for their weekly itty-bitty mani-pedi.
Investigators will not reveal the cause of death and say they haven’t ruled out foul play. A source close to the investigation reports that the NYPD is working with Canadian authorities to question a person of interest—an unidentified woman from Eastern Ontario who is known to have made threatening remarks about The Tooth Fairy online, speculating in a recent comment thread on Facebook, “Why hasn’t The Tooth Fairy been assassinated yet?”
One young boy was overcome with emotion as he recalled the heart-felt, hand-written letter of apology he received from The Tooth Fairy just recently. “My two front teeth were kinda loose and one night they got stuck in my hamburger bun and were, like, all mixed up with blood and ketchup and stuff. It was super gross! Anyway, I thought I’d get some serious cash and I put the teeth under my pillow but the next day... nothin’!”
Wiping tears from his face, clutching an envelope to his chest, he continued, “But the next day, after my mom came home from her business trip I found this note from The Tooth Fairy saying how sorry she was and would twenty bucks smooth things over. She said she got my address mixed up with some other kid with a similar last name and told me I was doing a great job with my brushing and that I should listen to my mom ‘cause my mom’s always right.”
The child was too emotional to describe the letter any further. When asked if she could elaborate on its contents, the boy’s mother declined to comment.
Tinkerbell, one of The Tooth Fairy’s closest friends, was shooting a film on location for Disney, and could not be reached for comment, but tweeted a touching tribute to her friend, “The fairy dust will glitter a little less brightly, now that my BFF TTF is gone.”
The Tooth Fairy had come under fire recently from the Folklore Fellows of America (FFA) following a recent survey by VISA Inc. which flagged gross inconsistencies in her under-the-pillow cash reward system, with some children receiving far less than the going rate of $3.40 and the top 2% of kids getting as much as $50 per tooth.
FFA’s Executive Director Thom Thumb referred to it as the “90210 effect” pointing to a stack of files in his office saying “Every year we receive thousands of complaints about The Tooth Fairy, more than Santa and the Easter Bunny combined.”
“Take this kid, for example,” Thumb said, highlighting one file, in particular, “this poor schmuck got a bunch of loose change, with lint all mixed up in it, in a used envelope, wrapped-up with an elastic band for God’s sake!”
In an interview for Larry King Live last month, The Tooth Fairy skirted questions about her seemingly befuddled resource allocation scheme. But after the show she tweeted, “Manhattan kids are a tough crowd. Two singles is a steaming pile! My brand needs WOW factor so #richkidsgetmore!”
The crude and insensitive tweet was quickly deleted from her Twitter feed, but the damage had been done. Within hours the Twittersphere was buzzing with the #killthetoothfairy campaign.
When asked if he thinks her callous use of social media was a catalyst for her untimely death, George Smithers of the American Dental Association (ADA) responded flatly, “You might say she had it coming.” Smithers had recently hired The Tooth Fairy to be the poster-girl for an upcoming PSA. The campaign, “Don’t let decay delay your payment!” would have been launched at the ADA’S Annual General Meeting in San Antonio next month.
“She was, of course, known for being temperamental,” said Smithers, “and, at first, she was reluctant to work with us. She said, ‘What do I care? I get the teeth one way or the other.’ But then her agent made her do it because of the fallout from the Twitter thing.”
As to how he thinks parents will fill the gaping hole The Tooth Fairy has left behind Smithers is nonchalant, “Well, Scandinavian warriors used to make necklaces out of children’s teeth. I can see this generation embracing some archaic ritual like that,” sighing heavily and shaking his head, “It’s probably the next logical step in child-obsessed parenting.”
Back at the ever-expanding shrine on Fifth Avenue a young girl places a Crayola portrait of The Tooth Fairy on the ground. In it she is the ever-youthful pixie, wearing a crown, with pigtails in her hair.
Whatever the outcome of the investigation, one thing is certain: this is anything but a Fairy Tale ending for The Tooth Fairy.